What It's Like Inside My Head Right Now

"All Positive January" Update

“Fuck you! can be positive”, said a friend of mine yesterday while we were sharing cups of tea at The Farmer and The Cook.

It can, yes, certainly so, when used as a boundary-setting tool. There are probably other positive uses for it as well, but the coffee has not yet kicked in this morning, and I wanted to write despite this.

I was up earlier than expected due to Sookie barking at me to get up. She was insistent.

“Okay, okay,” I mumbled as I got out of bed.

I opened the front door and bleary-eyed tried my best to make out what was in front of me. We had a wild windstorm last night. At one point I was wishing for a basement while Teddy hid in the interior hallway, feeling safest surrounded by walls.

As I focused in, I could see more clearly that the big white blob in front of the house was not a vehicle but some kind of tent/canopy thing with heavy metal poles meant to keep it in place. I am still thanking whatever faeries were responsible for this not doing any damage to our car or fence or house or anyone else’s as the wind in the middle of the night caught it like a sail from a few houses up and across the street from us and deposited it here, in front of ours. It was initially more into the street when I found it. Jon and I dragged it closer to the fence after I dragged him out of bed to help.

It’s gone now, retrieved by the neighbor.

I keep going back to the image above, and although I did not mean for it to be symbolic of what it’s like inside my head right now, it turns out there are no accidents. It’s work, constantly monitoring my thoughts, and feels a bit like I have flipped my brain over.

As much as I want to be singing a happy tune, I have found myself confronting some real fears now about what lies ahead. I know this is part of the magic, the “all positive January” spell, the initial sorting through the gunk phase. I know this, which eases my moment, I know that fun and excitement are ahead, and yet this moment is the least fun part of the magic.

Once, many, many moons ago (I say “moons” because we included the moon cycle in this one), Jon and I did a spell where we burned all of our scripts. You know, the shitty, awful self-negating thoughts we repeat to ourselves that keep our lights dim, those scripts.

We each made a list. I had a few things written down. Jon had seventy-five.

The following month was hell, especially for him, as we each gave ourselves the opportunity to rewrite our self-talk in real-time. The only way to do something like this is to catch yourself in the midst of the old and create something new. The best way to trigger the old is to bring up all of the yuck.

This first week of January is feeling the same. It’s a rewrite, and I am my own scriptwriter and editor as I notice every single thought I have and every word that comes out of my mouth. I’m a bit exhausted, and this is not a negative statement, it’s just true.

Here again is the task, be truthful without falling into the downward spiral of complaining, criticizing, and snark, both out loud and in our thoughts.

So I can say, “Fuck you!” or something of the like to set a boundary or clear the space, but I then can not let that “fuck you” devolve into a long-ass fight about nothing. Jon and I are experts at having long-ass fights about nothing as a way to release stored gunk. This “All Positive January” thing is opening up a different path. I’m just starting it, so I’ll fill you in as I get more into it because the only clear thing at the moment is that it’s easier to not fight right now. We could have had a dumb fight yesterday, our typical fight as we were trying to leave the house. We both started to go there (I am the rusher and he is the shusher, my ex used to say, “In every relationship, there is a rusher and a shusher”), and then we just stopped.

So, there you have it, my report on day 4 into 31 days of rewiring.

Yesterday I did what I said I would in my last article, I scheduled a Channeled Transmission and Group Session for later this month, a Tarot class for February, and a Channeling Class for March. You can check it all out here on my site.

I am off to positively clean my house.

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