I Don't Know Who I Am Right Now
Okay, that’s not really true.
I mean I know foundationally who I am. I am Love Incarnate just like you. Yet, my path is shifting. I can feel it.
I have been here before, it’s just been a longer few minutes than the times past. It used to happen once a decade or so, but I am late, or not, and I just have not put the pieces together yet, running so many interests and activities in tandem as I do - channeling, healing, performing, political and social activism, singing, writing, storytelling, lover of fashion, comedienne, psychic, magic, cooking, animal lover, the list goes on.
Ah, as I write I see a bit more clearly. I used to think I had to choose. Be this OR that. As I now have more years on this frame, I no longer wish to suppress a version of myself to be another version of myself.
The puzzle pieces of me seem scattered on the floor. I think to myself, “I should do more. Be more. Take another photo. Post it to my socials. Create another class. Get it on my website. Be funnier. Make a video. Do more. Turn my light on. Say “yes” to every interview and every request. More! More! More!” My yang-dominant personality wants to take over. Meanwhile, the piles of dog hair continue to accumulate on the floor.
The me that has felt responsible for my own care long before I was old enough to actually be responsible for my care wants me to get busy, as busy as she used to be, always working, reading, learning, playing, up early, and late to bed, constantly exhausted and running on fumes.
She is not me any longer, and yet she lingers, in the darkest moments of the night and sometimes even the brightest moment of the day, when my fear gets activated, when an unexpected bill comes due, when my attention goes to the fact that we collectively can not survive this way much longer, running on fumes. This is not sustainable. We are not made to live this way.
The me I now am has remembered how to be still, receive, rest for the sake of rest itself, and free my time to allow me to exist more in the flow opening me up to bringing about my most joyful and fulfilling potentials. But when uncertainty creeps in, the younger me wants me to get busy. She wants me to put my head down and power through, try to make things happen out of thin air, and use all of the air in the room as I do it until I forget to breathe.
This I will not do. I will instead take her hand, sit with her, and give her all of the love she needs.
Venus is in retrograde inviting each of us to love ourselves more in truly unconditional ways.
The North Node has moved into Aries asking us to be brave, to take action towards that which we know to be right and true.
My bravest action at this moment is to be still, to trust, to allow the yin to rise in me opening me to be more receptive and creative, and wait for the moment when it becomes clear that it is time to take a step, whenever it becomes obvious what that step is.
Wow, this is awesome and hits home with me. I can resonate on so many levels with what you said. I needed to read this today. Thanks! And thanks for being so open and sharing with us. And I love the dog hair part too! Sooo true here, dog and cat hair both while I try to justify my existence with running around doing other things that my mind says I should be doing while making myself so tired I get nothing done.
Mmmm . . . Relatable - interest and/or talent in several areas; and no longer wanna “suppress a version of myself to be another version of myself” - that’s a great / clarifying way to put that. Thanks for sharing where you are- even the “messy” middle where it hasn’t all been figured out, but you still seem to have a sense of being tethered . . . Knowing your core . . . Maybe most of the time, or when you get really still. That’s when I can find it too - when I get really still. I tell myself “ remember who you are” and I breathe. Have to keep doing that ❤️❤️