I Tried Not to be Sick

Another Not Walking my Talking Moment from Nora

I felt it start last Thursday night, just a sensation in my throat, not yet quite sore but also not quite right. I went into high gear with my healing supplements as I had a class to teach that Saturday and there was no way I was going to reschedule it. No. I was not going to disappoint the group who were excitedly coming in to experience the love.

My throat went from sore to not in a matter of hours over the course of that night and into the early morning. All day Friday, I hydrated and supported my immune system and rested and rested and hydrated and hydrated some more. The sore throat returned and then left for good as night fell.

I was doing it! Super healing! Pushing myself into wellness!!!!!

The full moon and the 24 hours worth of water and tea woke me every hour or so Friday night, but I was rested enough and ready to teach on Saturday. I did it. Forced myself into feeling better.

Class was wonderful and I was so happy to have been able to be there and support them all. Disappointing others is a big fear.

My voice was gone that evening, but that was fine, cause I did it, the thing I set out to do.

I woke on Sunday morning still trying not to be sick. Jon made one of his best pots of soup and we enjoyed it, my tastebuds and sense of smell unaffected by the coughing. I’m pretty sure it’s bronchitis, in my layperson diagnosis. The COVID test was negative.

I continued to focus on not being sick and on being better. I had an event on Wednesday, and again, I did not want to disappoint. I was not going to succumb and fall into full sickness!

Wednesday morning while coughing up the accumulation of residue in my lungs that had gathered while I was sleeping, I finally admitted it to myself. I was sick. I sent out an email to everyone registered that I’d be postponing the day’s event as well as a newsletter to everyone on my list and finally just let myself be sick.

I stopped trying to be better and bypass the actual moment I was in and instead did what I encourage everyone else to do, feel exactly what it was I was feeling in the moment without judgment.

I felt some real peace and relief then, as I stopped operating at odds with myself and instead just decided to agree with what my body was doing. I completely relaxed, releasing all of the energy I had been running to try to be better, and instead decided to just be.

I got on the couch in the middle of the day with my tea and watched some TV underneath the blankets with the doggies all around. I napped and lazed and coughed and napped and lazed and coughed some more.

I woke the next day with a source of energy I had not felt in a week. This time I was actually on the road to feeling better.

I have a long roadmap in my head of how I got here, the place where I won’t let myself be sick even when I am. It involves a lack of support and money and the feelings of being a bother, nuisance, and disappointment. At its core is the devaluation of myself.

“I am valuable because I exist” is still something I am working on integrating as well.

My thanks to all of you for your love, notes, emails, and wishes for speedy healing. I am much, much better today and am grateful for you all.

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