As always, this puts everything I’m living into words! I’ve been estranged from my Mother for a year now. No communication on my part, although I do get the occasional text from her, reminding me that she’s the victim of my cruelty. I’m breaking the abuse cycle for myself and for my daughters and any descendants that may come along. Blessed Be on this beautifully magical Friday the 13!
Oh Nora, this resonates and I just want to hug you. I have struggled with this as well. For me it manifested in many ways, but when I would dig down I'd always find the same, specifically-worded belief at the bottom: I have no right to be here; I'm stealing air from someone who deserves it more than I do. It's one of the deepest pains I've experienced, and that's saying something.
I'm grateful that over the course of this year I've gradually dissolved many layers of this belief. Occasionally I discover a remnant, since this belief wormed tendrils into every aspect of my life and being. But now it's just an occasional, vague sense of unworthiness instead of the ribcage-crushing felt sense that I don't even deserve air. Those lived experiences of abusive caregivers sure do echo down through the decades.
I'm seeing 12 year old you with her lonely mashed potatoes and I wish I could shower her with love; a delicious meal, focused time and attention and lots of playful joy. I'll settle for sending you oodles of love today and telling you how very glad I am to have you in my life. My world would not be the same without you.
I have a friend who grew up with a narcissistic mother who is in the midst of Alzheimer’s. She recently just apologized to me for writing about it, saying that I didn’t need to hear all of that. I told her I felt that writing it all down helped her and that I was happy to be the person she sent that to. And, like you, she’s not asking my advice, she’s just getting it out and putting the pieces together.
I am happy to hold the space for both of you as you are walking through this part of the journey.
My mother taught me that line. When younger, and even now sometimes, I am intimidated by a phone call I have to make. When younger my mother would try to help by giving me a script which always started with. “I’m sorry to bother you, but . . . “ insert request here. It’s not the same. None of our journeys are the same. And - I can relate and am also happy to hold space for you and any version of you experiencing this pain.
I am happy that you are here in all of your glorious humanity and sharing it with us. Much love to you, Nora ❤️
In Ireland, instead of saying, excuse me they automatically say I'm sorry. I now find myself saying it all the time and a second afterwards I say to myself, " why?". It's ingrained in so many cultures. Oh, Nora, thank you for exposing the cruelty so that those of us that excuse it or deny it or put it aside, can be liberated by claiming how wrong it is and we are deserving of loving care. You are love!!! Thank you!!!
Thanks for sharing with us Nora. I began thinking about this a while back too. We apologize for our existence it seems so often. I started to try to say excuse me more than I’m sorry but have fallen back on old patterns lately. It’s like I feel the need to apologize for existing and want to stop that. I mean I have the right to stand where I stand and ask questions etc. I really feel that females have been programmed to do this and I hope this is changing. Hope you are doing ok and staying warm. (I am freezing my butt off 😝) Love to you and Jon!
It’s so painful when the people who are supposed to be your nurturers and protectors can’t and don’t know how to do their job, and worse become your perpetrators. It makes me sad when people have children but never wanted to or tried to parent. Love to you and the little versions of you Nora. Your light has been a blessing since my life. I’m very grateful for you.
As my beautiful, sparkling daughter says Who the F—- thought this would be a good life plan? I am grateful for your wisdom every day.
Thank you, Lee-Ann. Sending you, that sparkly daughter of yours, and the rest of your family my love.
As always, this puts everything I’m living into words! I’ve been estranged from my Mother for a year now. No communication on my part, although I do get the occasional text from her, reminding me that she’s the victim of my cruelty. I’m breaking the abuse cycle for myself and for my daughters and any descendants that may come along. Blessed Be on this beautifully magical Friday the 13!
Thank you for sharing, Wendie. Being a change agent of generational abuse is gnarly work. Sending you my love.
Oh Nora, this resonates and I just want to hug you. I have struggled with this as well. For me it manifested in many ways, but when I would dig down I'd always find the same, specifically-worded belief at the bottom: I have no right to be here; I'm stealing air from someone who deserves it more than I do. It's one of the deepest pains I've experienced, and that's saying something.
I'm grateful that over the course of this year I've gradually dissolved many layers of this belief. Occasionally I discover a remnant, since this belief wormed tendrils into every aspect of my life and being. But now it's just an occasional, vague sense of unworthiness instead of the ribcage-crushing felt sense that I don't even deserve air. Those lived experiences of abusive caregivers sure do echo down through the decades.
I'm seeing 12 year old you with her lonely mashed potatoes and I wish I could shower her with love; a delicious meal, focused time and attention and lots of playful joy. I'll settle for sending you oodles of love today and telling you how very glad I am to have you in my life. My world would not be the same without you.
Thank you so much, Amy Beth, for your share, your love, and your care.
I have a friend who grew up with a narcissistic mother who is in the midst of Alzheimer’s. She recently just apologized to me for writing about it, saying that I didn’t need to hear all of that. I told her I felt that writing it all down helped her and that I was happy to be the person she sent that to. And, like you, she’s not asking my advice, she’s just getting it out and putting the pieces together.
I am happy to hold the space for both of you as you are walking through this part of the journey.
Thank you so much, Lisa.
Love this. Very relatable. Thanks for bothering. J
Thank you so much.
Love to you
My mother taught me that line. When younger, and even now sometimes, I am intimidated by a phone call I have to make. When younger my mother would try to help by giving me a script which always started with. “I’m sorry to bother you, but . . . “ insert request here. It’s not the same. None of our journeys are the same. And - I can relate and am also happy to hold space for you and any version of you experiencing this pain.
I am happy that you are here in all of your glorious humanity and sharing it with us. Much love to you, Nora ❤️
Thank you, Shannon.
It's the same and not the same, both.
Much love right back and gratitude for your presence as well.
I hate socks and still splurge on instant mash potatoes - these days they are organic. Good luck with the bull sh%$t
Thank you :)
In Ireland, instead of saying, excuse me they automatically say I'm sorry. I now find myself saying it all the time and a second afterwards I say to myself, " why?". It's ingrained in so many cultures. Oh, Nora, thank you for exposing the cruelty so that those of us that excuse it or deny it or put it aside, can be liberated by claiming how wrong it is and we are deserving of loving care. You are love!!! Thank you!!!
Thank you!
You are love as well!
Thanks for sharing with us Nora. I began thinking about this a while back too. We apologize for our existence it seems so often. I started to try to say excuse me more than I’m sorry but have fallen back on old patterns lately. It’s like I feel the need to apologize for existing and want to stop that. I mean I have the right to stand where I stand and ask questions etc. I really feel that females have been programmed to do this and I hope this is changing. Hope you are doing ok and staying warm. (I am freezing my butt off 😝) Love to you and Jon!
Thank you, Vicki.
This building is solid and the windows are fairly new.
We are good and toasty inside and even walked to and from dinner tonight a few blocks away and enjoyed the night air.
It’s so painful when the people who are supposed to be your nurturers and protectors can’t and don’t know how to do their job, and worse become your perpetrators. It makes me sad when people have children but never wanted to or tried to parent. Love to you and the little versions of you Nora. Your light has been a blessing since my life. I’m very grateful for you.
💗💗💗💗💗💗🤗
Thank you so much, Kyra.
Much love and gratitude in return