Still Feeling the Love Monday Morning Check-In Post

How Are You??

I am not sure where I am headed with this one, and I am actually writing it on Monday morning. I regularly write my Monday morning pieces over the weekend, but I was busy teaching our Level II Channeling Class during this one.

So here I am, on Monday morning, still feeling all of the love and warmth from the class and at the same time continuing to unpack layers of trauma still buried from childhood as I have returned to my physical roots.

It’s a lot, this stuff with my mother, her Alzheimers, her untreated alcoholism that caused her to get another D.U.I. at the age of eighty, and her untreated mental and emotional illness. She’s put people in charge of her affairs who to my knowledge did not challenge her drinking or question her decisions and lack of amends-making, and my sister and I are left largely powerless and shunted aside, as we always have been where she was concerned, no matter what it looked like from the outside looking in.

Neither cancels out the other, the love and joy and healing from the class and the lava flow of dysfunction. Both exist side by side, and the love makes the rest of it just a bit more tolerable. This is why I channel, this is why I teach channeling, it’s all about the love for me. Love not as an emotion, but as a substance, a state of being, the remembrance that this is who we all are, love incarnate.

I keep tracking back to January of 2008 when Pluto first entered Capricorn, companies like AIG being bailed out, being deemed “Too big to fail” while the collective was left to fail. Both of my parents lost significant money in their IRAs during that one. This was also when I let my mother back in after taking some distance four years earlier when she’d refused to help as Jon and I were preparing to move to California. She lost much more in the crash of 2008 than the pittance I was asking for in 2004.

The cash flowed out of her hands to strangers, friends, and distant relatives alike, but when it came to her children, we were not a priority. Oh, she could be generous with gifts and shiny things, but when it came to supporting us in our primary needs or big life moves she was absent as was our father. Once I was done with high school and my sister was in her last year, after our mother had left us and moved to another state doubling her income, she was done with being a mother in a more obvious way. The leaving that began when I was eight took actual physical form.

I stayed in Chicago for eighteen more years, hoping on some level that she would return to us. She never did, continuing to choose other locations and other people’s children to “mother”, discarding us as less important. I mean, who is going to make a big deal about you when you take care of your own children? There is no show in that. But if you offer to pay for someone else’s surgery or schooling or housing, well, then you’re a hero.

Yeah, I am a bit bitter. The bitterness in me needs more love. It’s the brittle and meanest aspect of me, the one that holds onto what I can, claiming it as mine, terrified that someone will come along and steal it. It’s stingy and limits my flow. It’s Pluto in Capricorn alright, putting the needs of the individual above the needs of the collective and the damage this has wrought, isolating us all into tiny bits and pieces, each of us feeling like it’s all on each of us independent of anyone else. Our current reality shows this now to be true. Just look at the totality of what is expected of each one of us compared to the more interdependent model we used to run.

Pluto in Aquarius, once it settles back in on November 19th, after the upcoming eclipses have had their say, will move us forward into a more collaborative state, putting the needs of the family front and center, reminding us that we are each a piece of this gigantic family, each love incarnate, no longer isolated and alone.

How are you?? Please let me know in the comment section below.

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